Dear Annie

Originally written on May 28, 2008


Dear Annabel -

Here we are, 2 weeks after you squawked and clawed your way into the world, and I am just now sitting down to write you your birth day letter. Funny thing happens the second time you have a baby.....you still have another little person expecting life to go on as he knew it. So, your momma has been busy, to say the least. But don't you worry. I still remember May 12 as if it happened yesterday.

We knew when you would be born. I got to pick the day. How cool is that?? Of course, you could have come any time you wanted...but if you were willing to wait, I wanted you to come on May 12. It was the day after Mother's Day and I really couldn't imagine a better gift for me than you.
And you know what? I was exactly right. When the doctor held you up and told me you were a girl....well, all I could do was look at your little red face and that head full of dark hair and weep in gratitude.

My baby girl.

I didn't know how much I wanted to have a little baby girl until you came along. Lots of people find out what kind of baby they are having (we did with your brother), but your daddy and I decided to let you be our very special surprise. And then there you were, our beautiful daughter. In an instant, I knew that you were exactly what I have always wanted and I fell completely head over heels in love with you.

You and I were in the hospital for 3 days and 3 nights and they were the best moments of our life so far (even with the nurses coming in at all hours of the night to bother us). It was just you and me. Like a Girl's Only vacation, you and I got to sleep and snuggle and cuddle and eat and nurse and do whatever we wanted, just us. Your daddy went home every night to take care of your big brother, and while it was hard taking care of you by myself (Mommy was SORE), I knew that I would never have a time when it would be just the two of us again...or at least for a long while....and I wanted to soak up all your deliciousness to sustain me through the adjustment back to family life when I would begin my new role as mommy to two (two!!) fabulous kids.

It was an interesting change of pace for all of us when we got home, especially for your brother. He has always had me and daddy to himself and now he is sharing us with you. It is a little hard for him. He was very excited to finally see you after you were born. I think he was getting tired of me talking about the baby in my belly all the time.... he was ready to see proof!! Now he is not so sure about how he likes being a big brother, but don't you worry, he will come around. He loves you, I know that. And he is proud of you, I know that too. More than anything else, what I want you to know about him is that he is the person solely responsible for making me into the mommy you have today. You owe a lot to him....not that I am in anyway a perfect mother, but he was the guinea pig that I tested my methods on, poor little guy. He taught me what to do, and while it wasn't always easy and I made loads of mistakes, he did a really great job. It is because of him that I know not to panic when you cry, that I know just how to hold you to help you burp, that I know how to relax when I nurse you, and that I know how important it is to live in the moment each day, because those moments pass so quickly. He is a sweet boy, a wonderful human being and I am so glad that you now have each other to love.

So here we are, 2 weeks after you were born, and we are fumbling our way through our days trying to figure each other and our new family out. You're totally worth it. I wake up every morning and feed you, then you and I snuggle back into my bed for another hour or two of sweet sleep. Sometimes, even though I am so very tired, I lay and watch you sleep, overcome with so much love and gratitude for your very existence. One of the clearest memories of your birth is late one night, I think you were 1 day old, and I was sitting on the side of my bed watching you sleep in your little plastic baby box. We were alone and it was so quiet. I was thinking to myself how beautiful you are, how perfect and how sweet. And I couldn't believe you were mine. I was crying a little when the nurse came in to check on us, and I was a little embarassed, so I explained to her that before you were born, I wasn't sure I would ever get a chance to do this again, be a mom, and I had been absolutely terrified to go through childbirth again, for many reasons. "But you did it anyway", was her reply back.

Yes I did.

You are a gift in many ways, Annabel, the least of which is that you healed a part of me that was still aching and sad, even after 3 years. Your life gave me back a strength and courage I thought I had lost. And you filled a piece in our family puzzle that we never knew was missing.

I love you, sweet Annie. You are my very best girl.

Hugs and juicy kisses,

Mommy

Fear With a Side of Worry

Originally written on May 20, 2008

Annabel has an irregular heartbeat and we met with a pediatric cardiologist today. Not exactly what he had planned for our tiny little baby girl, especially not a week in. Fear has sat heavy upon my chest the entire day.

Our consultation went fine. The echocardiogram looks normal. Annie will need to wear a monitor for 24 hours to monitor the frequency of the irregularity, we send the data box back in and then we wait. That should be fun.




Update: Everything appears to be okay. Annie does have an irregular heartbeat but the doctor seems to think that it is nothing to be too concerned about (ha!). All we will need to do is bring her back in at 1 year to run the tests again. Thank God.

Grandmas and Grandpas

Big Brother

These first pictures of Liam with Annabel make my heart swell....especially since it is the most attention he has paid her since.

The Requisite Hospital Pics....

And then there were four...

Welcome, sweet Annie

I love you more than words can say.....

Annabel Elise
May 12, 2008
4:27pm
8lbs, 5 oz
22 inches

Seven Down......

Originally written on May 5, 2008

Seven to go.

One week from today I will finally meet the small wonder that has been occupying my abdominal space these past many months....prime real estate that apparently once belonged to my colon, if the past few weeks have been any indication. We (all 3 of us) will be glad to hang the vacancy sign out once and for all.

I am quite surprised at how calm I am feeling given the upheaval that is about to be visited upon my life. I have been trying to remember back to those first exciting and new (and numbingly exhausting) days of Liam's first weeks, but I can just barely get a true sense of them anymore. Sure, I remember them, but I can't quite conjure the physical and emotional feel. And while I am glad to have the opportunity to experience that magical terror again..... I am also sitting here wondering "what the hell am I doing?"

Liam has hit his stride, momentarily, and we are really, really enjoying ourselves (mostly). The battles have diminished, the tantrums are slowing, he is wowing me every single second with his cleverness and his ideas on the world he sees around him. And in 7 days I am going to introduce a big (well, hopefully not too big), squawking, incredibly needy wrench into our wheel. And while I know that we will work it all out and get ourselves settled and learn how to be 4 instead of 3, and as I try my hardest to soak up these last few days of "us", I can't help but feel a small sense of sadness and loss....but I suppose that is normal, right?

Right?

Of course, I type such sentimentality and just 2 hours ago I had a terrible row with Liam and made him cry and made me cry and just completely spoke too harshly to a little boy who was only acting like the overlytired 3-year old he was.....so much for soaking up these last days with him. It is times like those that I wonder how we will do when my exhaustion is deeper....my patience thinner. I think I worry most about losing sight of that charming and sweet and spirited little boy through a newborn fog. I don't want to miss a single of second of his wonder.

That's probably not too realistic is it? Especially considering I miss pieces of that wonder daily as I grunch around here cranky, awkward and uncomfortable on these baby elephant ankles (my god the swelling!!!). So, really no matter how you look at it, it's six of one, half dozen of the other..... and we'll be okay, right?

Right?

The very first thing on my dubious to-do list was to blog daily these last 2 weeks of my pregnancy. Ha. Most days I am too tired and then too emotional to really sit down and do it. I am calm...really I am...but I am welling up with so many other feelings that I often don't know where to start. Or stop. I want to write honestly about these remaining days but sometimes I feel silly for sharing (nay, having) such strong emotions about something as miraculous as a new baby. Sometimes I feel too weary to share those emotions. And sometimes.....well, some things are just too sacred.

I can't believe that I am going to have another little human being to fill my heart and my life when the little person hollering at me from the other room has done such a fine job of it already. It often feels like I am about to burst with the love and the joy and the naughtiness that he has brought with him into my world. But lives and hearts are meant to expand to overflowing.....that's how it works, right?

Right?