Dear Annie

Originally written on May 28, 2008


Dear Annabel -

Here we are, 2 weeks after you squawked and clawed your way into the world, and I am just now sitting down to write you your birth day letter. Funny thing happens the second time you have a baby.....you still have another little person expecting life to go on as he knew it. So, your momma has been busy, to say the least. But don't you worry. I still remember May 12 as if it happened yesterday.

We knew when you would be born. I got to pick the day. How cool is that?? Of course, you could have come any time you wanted...but if you were willing to wait, I wanted you to come on May 12. It was the day after Mother's Day and I really couldn't imagine a better gift for me than you.
And you know what? I was exactly right. When the doctor held you up and told me you were a girl....well, all I could do was look at your little red face and that head full of dark hair and weep in gratitude.

My baby girl.

I didn't know how much I wanted to have a little baby girl until you came along. Lots of people find out what kind of baby they are having (we did with your brother), but your daddy and I decided to let you be our very special surprise. And then there you were, our beautiful daughter. In an instant, I knew that you were exactly what I have always wanted and I fell completely head over heels in love with you.

You and I were in the hospital for 3 days and 3 nights and they were the best moments of our life so far (even with the nurses coming in at all hours of the night to bother us). It was just you and me. Like a Girl's Only vacation, you and I got to sleep and snuggle and cuddle and eat and nurse and do whatever we wanted, just us. Your daddy went home every night to take care of your big brother, and while it was hard taking care of you by myself (Mommy was SORE), I knew that I would never have a time when it would be just the two of us again...or at least for a long while....and I wanted to soak up all your deliciousness to sustain me through the adjustment back to family life when I would begin my new role as mommy to two (two!!) fabulous kids.

It was an interesting change of pace for all of us when we got home, especially for your brother. He has always had me and daddy to himself and now he is sharing us with you. It is a little hard for him. He was very excited to finally see you after you were born. I think he was getting tired of me talking about the baby in my belly all the time.... he was ready to see proof!! Now he is not so sure about how he likes being a big brother, but don't you worry, he will come around. He loves you, I know that. And he is proud of you, I know that too. More than anything else, what I want you to know about him is that he is the person solely responsible for making me into the mommy you have today. You owe a lot to him....not that I am in anyway a perfect mother, but he was the guinea pig that I tested my methods on, poor little guy. He taught me what to do, and while it wasn't always easy and I made loads of mistakes, he did a really great job. It is because of him that I know not to panic when you cry, that I know just how to hold you to help you burp, that I know how to relax when I nurse you, and that I know how important it is to live in the moment each day, because those moments pass so quickly. He is a sweet boy, a wonderful human being and I am so glad that you now have each other to love.

So here we are, 2 weeks after you were born, and we are fumbling our way through our days trying to figure each other and our new family out. You're totally worth it. I wake up every morning and feed you, then you and I snuggle back into my bed for another hour or two of sweet sleep. Sometimes, even though I am so very tired, I lay and watch you sleep, overcome with so much love and gratitude for your very existence. One of the clearest memories of your birth is late one night, I think you were 1 day old, and I was sitting on the side of my bed watching you sleep in your little plastic baby box. We were alone and it was so quiet. I was thinking to myself how beautiful you are, how perfect and how sweet. And I couldn't believe you were mine. I was crying a little when the nurse came in to check on us, and I was a little embarassed, so I explained to her that before you were born, I wasn't sure I would ever get a chance to do this again, be a mom, and I had been absolutely terrified to go through childbirth again, for many reasons. "But you did it anyway", was her reply back.

Yes I did.

You are a gift in many ways, Annabel, the least of which is that you healed a part of me that was still aching and sad, even after 3 years. Your life gave me back a strength and courage I thought I had lost. And you filled a piece in our family puzzle that we never knew was missing.

I love you, sweet Annie. You are my very best girl.

Hugs and juicy kisses,

Mommy