Seven Down......

Originally written on May 5, 2008

Seven to go.

One week from today I will finally meet the small wonder that has been occupying my abdominal space these past many months....prime real estate that apparently once belonged to my colon, if the past few weeks have been any indication. We (all 3 of us) will be glad to hang the vacancy sign out once and for all.

I am quite surprised at how calm I am feeling given the upheaval that is about to be visited upon my life. I have been trying to remember back to those first exciting and new (and numbingly exhausting) days of Liam's first weeks, but I can just barely get a true sense of them anymore. Sure, I remember them, but I can't quite conjure the physical and emotional feel. And while I am glad to have the opportunity to experience that magical terror again..... I am also sitting here wondering "what the hell am I doing?"

Liam has hit his stride, momentarily, and we are really, really enjoying ourselves (mostly). The battles have diminished, the tantrums are slowing, he is wowing me every single second with his cleverness and his ideas on the world he sees around him. And in 7 days I am going to introduce a big (well, hopefully not too big), squawking, incredibly needy wrench into our wheel. And while I know that we will work it all out and get ourselves settled and learn how to be 4 instead of 3, and as I try my hardest to soak up these last few days of "us", I can't help but feel a small sense of sadness and loss....but I suppose that is normal, right?

Right?

Of course, I type such sentimentality and just 2 hours ago I had a terrible row with Liam and made him cry and made me cry and just completely spoke too harshly to a little boy who was only acting like the overlytired 3-year old he was.....so much for soaking up these last days with him. It is times like those that I wonder how we will do when my exhaustion is deeper....my patience thinner. I think I worry most about losing sight of that charming and sweet and spirited little boy through a newborn fog. I don't want to miss a single of second of his wonder.

That's probably not too realistic is it? Especially considering I miss pieces of that wonder daily as I grunch around here cranky, awkward and uncomfortable on these baby elephant ankles (my god the swelling!!!). So, really no matter how you look at it, it's six of one, half dozen of the other..... and we'll be okay, right?

Right?

The very first thing on my dubious to-do list was to blog daily these last 2 weeks of my pregnancy. Ha. Most days I am too tired and then too emotional to really sit down and do it. I am calm...really I am...but I am welling up with so many other feelings that I often don't know where to start. Or stop. I want to write honestly about these remaining days but sometimes I feel silly for sharing (nay, having) such strong emotions about something as miraculous as a new baby. Sometimes I feel too weary to share those emotions. And sometimes.....well, some things are just too sacred.

I can't believe that I am going to have another little human being to fill my heart and my life when the little person hollering at me from the other room has done such a fine job of it already. It often feels like I am about to burst with the love and the joy and the naughtiness that he has brought with him into my world. But lives and hearts are meant to expand to overflowing.....that's how it works, right?

Right?