On Becoming Four

Originally written July 20, 2008

I've been meaning to touch on this subject for some time, but I have been a bit preoccupied, what with the reflux, the fussy baby, the night waking, the impossible 3 year old and pretty much all around exhaustion happening around here these days. But no time like the present, because to be completely honest, I am really struggling.

I was worried about adding to our brood. I knew I would love this new baby, OF COURSE. Actually, "knew" is probably stretching it a bit (see here), more like assumed. Or maybe just hoped. But I didn't know what day to day life would bring. I knew that Liam's world would be rocked and right up until the day we brought our sweet baby home, I vowed that I would do everything possible to minimize the disruption in his life. Well, I am here to tell you that trying to maintain the status quo is exhausting. And impossible.

Everyone tells you that the second (and third, and fourth etc) have to learn to just go with the flow, be flexible, hop on the train that is already chugging down the tracks and hold on for dear life. And for the most part, I agree. BUT (there's always a but), what if said baby doesn't go easily, has her own ideas about what she needs and when she needs it? Right now I am in a constant struggle to balance the needs of both my babies. And up until now, Annie has been on the losing end. Don't get me wrong, she is being fed, bathed, slept and loved, loved, loved, but she has also been at the mercy of my attempts to keep her brother's life as uninterrupted as possible. It has worn us both out and I'm done. Flexibility is a two way...or rather three way street.

So here it is: "Newsflash, Liam, there is a baby in this house. She is your sister. She is sticking around. You don't have to like it but you do have to share. Now, just deal".

That should go over like a fart in church. I don't care. I have two kids to think about, not to mention a husband and a home. Tiptoeing around the fact that our lives have changed is doing nobody any good, especially not Liam. It was easy at first, when Annie sort of just lay there staring at shadows, doing the herky jerky with her arms and whacking herself in the face. But now she is becoming a person. She is letting us know the way she wants and needs things to be and she is allowed an equal voice in our family even if that mainly involves blowing raspberries and crying 20 hours a day. Liam needs to adjust to the new dynamics and he won't if we (I) don't adjust our expectations of him.

It ain't going to be easy.

I suppose that every family who welcomes siblings goes through this in some way, shape or form, especially when the first King (or Queen) is dethroned. And because I am who I am, I also suppose that most families get to this point much quicker than me. Sort of just let their firstborn know the score right out of the box and not pussy-foot around the issue this long. But I never come by anything the easy way, so I guess I needed be at the breaking point before I finally allowed myself to allow Liam to take a fall. Maybe it's because I know him so well, his sensitivity, his neediness, his irrationally strong will....I wanted to protect him and I wanted to foster a strong relationship between he and his sister. Hopefully avoiding, if not just limiting, jealousy and anger and frustration. Ha! What a joke.

So, now I am moving on with a clearer head. Liam may not like these changes, in fact, it will be a trial by fire. But in the long run, I think we will be able to reclaim something beautiful from the ashes. A family.